Sep. 23rd, 2009

nd_mom: (Default)
I have not been feeling that great lately, ever since that dreaded sunday I have not been able to shake the feeling that "I don't want to do this anymore". I really deep down inside don't want to be a nurse anymore. I hate this feeling! Why am I feeling this way? I want it to go away, I want to go back to feeling the way I used too.

My husband see's me as this very strong person who can conquer anything and for the most part I am, but there is this small part of me who gets scared, who wants to run from the things that penetrate me to the core. I am not sure how to put into words, how this side of me feels at this moment.

I am going to see my doctor today to see if I can get something for anxiety. That is how much the events of that sunday have affected me. I can't seem to relax, I feel hyper vigilant all the time. When I go to work, I jump at someone saying my name. All I can imagine is someone else dying on me and me doing CPR once again. I don't think I am cut out for this type of thing.

Yes, I know that being a nurse means I will confront death at some point, but my gosh, it is devastating and gut wrenching! I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life doing this. Do I really want to have peoples lives in my hands, where every decision I make could mean life or death. I just am not sure that is what I want.

I am not saying that I am leaving nursing,but if I cant get these emotions under control, I will have no other choice. I don't want to spend the rest of my working life in a state of anxiety.

I am so disappointed in myself at this moment!

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nd_mom

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