Sep. 14th, 2009

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Sunday was a horrible day at work. It is hard to even put into words how I am feeling.

On sunday I was summoned to the dining room for a resident who, they thought had fallen asleep at the table. Upon seeing the resident I knew right away that the resident was dying. I went up to the resident and started patting their arm and calling their name. The resident felt cold and my heart fell to my feet. I turned around and said "call 911", you and you get him to the floor. I ran and grabbed our face mask, blood pressure cuff and pulse ox. When I got back I felt for a pulse, no pulse and then I started CPR. I was doing the chest compressions and another staff member jumped in to do the resuce breaths. This went on for 3 cycles before paramedics arrived, which seemed like an eternity. I was thinking thank goodness the professionals are here to take over, I dont want to do this anymore!

They worked on the resident for some time and then called the time of death. The resident was dead!!!! I was standing there thinking, this is not happening, what just happened? Then I got very mad, mad at the world. This was such an unexpected death!!! Why on my shift, why this way?

I hated the whole thing, I hated feeling the ribs give underneath my hands, I hated seeing the residents eyes wide open with no one home. I hated the feel, the smell and I hate death!!!!

It is ugly and shows no mercy!!!!

I watched somone die, I felt their death underneath my hands and I will never never forget!!!!!

I question whether I could ever do that again. Do I really want to be a nurse?

I know we have no control over death and when our number is up, but why does it have to be so ugly!

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nd_mom

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