nd_mom: (Default)
[personal profile] nd_mom
Sunday was a horrible day at work. It is hard to even put into words how I am feeling.

On sunday I was summoned to the dining room for a resident who, they thought had fallen asleep at the table. Upon seeing the resident I knew right away that the resident was dying. I went up to the resident and started patting their arm and calling their name. The resident felt cold and my heart fell to my feet. I turned around and said "call 911", you and you get him to the floor. I ran and grabbed our face mask, blood pressure cuff and pulse ox. When I got back I felt for a pulse, no pulse and then I started CPR. I was doing the chest compressions and another staff member jumped in to do the resuce breaths. This went on for 3 cycles before paramedics arrived, which seemed like an eternity. I was thinking thank goodness the professionals are here to take over, I dont want to do this anymore!

They worked on the resident for some time and then called the time of death. The resident was dead!!!! I was standing there thinking, this is not happening, what just happened? Then I got very mad, mad at the world. This was such an unexpected death!!! Why on my shift, why this way?

I hated the whole thing, I hated feeling the ribs give underneath my hands, I hated seeing the residents eyes wide open with no one home. I hated the feel, the smell and I hate death!!!!

It is ugly and shows no mercy!!!!

I watched somone die, I felt their death underneath my hands and I will never never forget!!!!!

I question whether I could ever do that again. Do I really want to be a nurse?

I know we have no control over death and when our number is up, but why does it have to be so ugly!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-09-15 12:15 am (UTC)
zorkian: Icon full of binary ones and zeros in no pattern. (Default)
From: [personal profile] zorkian
Oh, Mom. I'm so sorry to hear this, that sounds terrible. I can't even imagine what this must feel like.

I think that, for better or worse, this kind of thing happens to most people at one time or another, and especially since you are in nursing. And sometimes it happens at a time or place that us regular people don't think is fair or right. Someone passes on, but they were too young, or healthy and smiling an hour ago, or whatever. But that's not really our call to say when the right time is.

You did everything you could to try to help this person. You were there, you took action, and you used all your training, skill, and compassion, and heart to give them the best possible chance to survive. That they didn't is not up to you... you did everything you could.

And of course, whenever you have a bad day, that's what John and the dogs are for! Maybe relax and hang out, read a book, watch some TV, talk, something to get your mind off of things.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-09-15 01:13 am (UTC)
janinedog: (Default)
From: [personal profile] janinedog
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. :( It sounds horrible.

Whether you want to be a nurse or not is obviously up to you, but I think this proves that you're a great one, since you were able to respond quickly and appropriately and do everything you could. It's definitely not something that a lot of people would be able to do...I'm not sure I would be able to.


nd_mom: (Default)

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